The Federal Agent Who Shagged Me
by belletylers
Summary: How to explain the International Man of Mystery to Ziva? The only way is to show her. One-shot, good if you want a laugh. Mild Tiva.


**A/N: Don't ask me how I got this idea, because I don't know. Anyway, just for a bit of a laugh, rating purely for what's in the Austin Powers movies, and it probably won't make a lot of sense if you haven't seen at least one of them, but you can try.**

It was a normal callout. A Petty Officer was found dead in his own home in Richfield, Virginia, and the team were called to investigate.

After the victim, who died of what appeared to be a suicide, was taken away on a gurney, Tony, Ziva, and McGee proceeded to get a little background on him.

"Name's Malcolm Parsons, Boss," McGee informed the ex-Marine. "He served two tours in Iraq and came home about three weeks ago."

Gibbs nodded and left to what McGee assumed was get statements from the neighbours.

The three remaining agents wandered into the P.O.'s living room.

"So," Tony said, lifting up the couch cushions. "Why would Malcolm Parsons wanna kill himself?"

"That is a good question, Tony," Ziva replied, scanning his bookshelf.

"Yeah, and we better find an answer before Gibbs gets back," McGee added, snapping pictures of the empty beer bottles and candy wrappers on the floor. "His coffee place closed down for refurbishment."

The other two agents grimaced.

Tony opened the cabinet below his TV and found a wide array of DVDs. "Hey, guys, look at this!" Ziva and McGee hurried over and kneeled beside him. "He's got a lot of movies. Look at this, _Brokeback Mountain,_" he pointed out. _"The Godfather, _all the Bond movies with Sean Connery…this guy's got taste."

"And apparently, he was watching something," Ziva noted as the little light on the DVD player flashed. She pressed 'eject' and read the disk.

"The Spy Who…Shagged Me," she said, slowly. The boys grinned. "What is this?" she asked.

"Austin Powers," McGee grinned.

"_International Man Of Mystery," _Tony added.

"Oh, so he's basically like James Bond," Ziva said.

"No!" both men replied at the same time.

"It's a comedy," Tony explained. "About this womanising British spy—it's the chicks and Brits thing again, I'm telling you, Ziva. Anyway, his arch nemesis, Dr Evil," McGee demonstrates by putting his little finger to the side of his mouth, making Ziva very confused. "He freezes himself to escape arrest so Austin has to as well, and is unfrozen in the 90's to he can foil Dr Evil and get the girl."

Tony picked up the cover from the top of the counter and handed it to her.

"Mike Myers plays both Austin and Dr Evil," Tony explained. "It's also got Robert Wagner and Seth Green, not to mention Fadiana Udenio in a hot tub." He growled.

"How does he always get the girl?" Ziva asked, her face screwed up and close to the plastic cover. "He is so unattractive."

"It's the irony, Ziva," McGee said.

"You have to watch it, Ziva," Tony said. "I have it at home. All three."

"Of course you do," she replied. "But I do not know…I have enough trouble with American slang let alone British. Have you heard how some of them talk?"

"Yeah, I went to London when I was in eighth grade," McGee said. "They call fries 'chips'."

"Then what do they call chips in the bag?" Tony asked.

"Crisps," Ziva told him. She studied the cover again. "What is a shag? Is it like the carpet?"

Tony scoffed and McGee held back a laugh.

"What? Just tell me what a shag is!" she exclaimed.

They males tried so hard not to burst out laughing.

"You two are children," she grunted.

"I'd have to show you what it was, Zi," Tony said, still holding back laughter.

Ziva was getting exasperated now. She heard the door open and close. Maybe Gibbs would tell her straight.

"Fine, show me! Show me what a shag is, Tony, now!" the Israeli yelled.

That was it. The agents collapsed on the couch, laughing uncontrollably.

Ziva turned around to find Gibbs standing behind her, looking very uncomfortable.

"Gibbs!" she sighed. "Why is everyone acting so strangely? I do not understand what I did to make them laugh!"

The silver-haired man put a hand on his young agent's soldier. "Watch the movie, Ziver."

…

That Friday night, after wrapping up another case, the three stayed at work to watch _Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery _on the plasma.

At first, the movie just confused Ziva. Then she started to really enjoy it. That was, until she figured out what shag meant. By then she was about ready to strangle Tony, which McGee found all too amusing.

"You idiot!" she scolded. "I completely humiliated myself and you did nothing to stop me."

"I know," Tony laughed. "I was there."

Ziva just slapped him on the arm and kept watching the movie. After all, she had been enjoying it.

"Here comes the 'shagging', Ziva," McGee joked, when the next scene showed Austin finding files in Alotta Fagina's penthouse.

"She kinda looks like Ziva," Tony said, deep in thought. When he felt two stares—one angry and one shocked—fly towards him he froze. "Please tell me I didn't say that out loud."

"I'd tell you," Ziva whispered into his ear. "But then I'd have to kill you."

Relieved that he wouldn't be Ziva's next target, he relaxed and they enjoyed the rest of the film in laughter-filled silence.

Ziva's favourite part was when Vanessa and Austin arrived at their hotel in Vegas and she made him take the couch. That was exactly what happened in Paris last year. And like the characters, they ended up drunk and wild.

Tony and Austin were similar in a lot of ways. Both were committed to their work and very good at what they do, even though you don't expect them to be. They were both hairy-chested, which Ziva found very funny, and both were womanising and very charming.

The thing they didn't have in common?

Austin Powers wasn't dating Ziva David.

**A/N: Yeah, pretty random but I love Austin Powers :) Reviews would be greatly appreciated. **


End file.
